Information for Survivors

Warning signs of abusive behavior:

1. Blames others for their problems or mistakes. Your partner is unwilling to take responsibility for their actions and the effects those actions have on others. For example, deciding to hang out with you instead of doing their homework and then blaming you for getting a bad grade.
2. Breaking promises/dishonesty. You catch your partner in lies all the time. For example, he/she says they can’t go out with you but then you hear from someone else that they were at a party.
3. Jealousy/controlling behavior. Your partner keeps tabs on you all the time. For example, they are always demanding to know where have you been, who you talked to, what someone said to you, what you did, or when you came home. He/she may even frequently call you at all hours of the day to check up on you. They are possessive and don’t want you to be friends with others, or spend time with others. This type of behavior should not be mistaken as “real love.”
4. Criticizing. Your partner is always picking on you, sometimes even in front of other people, making negative comparisons between you and others. They don’t like the way you walk, talk, dress, drive, or eat, etc. Nothing you ever do is right or good enough.
5. Doesn’t listen to you. Your thoughts, feelings, activities or interests are dismissed and treated as unimportant or trivial.
6. Sexist attitude. Your boyfriend puts down women as a group and makes sexual comments about women in front of you.
7. Pushes sex. Your partner makes the issue of sex a constant hassle and is only interested in their own satisfaction. He/she may force,  manipulate, or coerce you to have sex when you don’t want to, believing that they should get it when they want it. He/she may often use the phrase, “If you loved me, you would say yes.” Both partners need to respect each others boundaries and ensure there is mutual consent before engaging in sex; anything other than “yes” (ex: “I don’t know,” “I’m not sure” or “Maybe”) should be treated as a “no.”
8. Physical violence. Your partner uses physical threats and violent behavior to intimidate and control you. For example, hitting, punching, pushing, pinching, shoving, kicking, etc. According to a study by Kids Health, 1 in 11 high school students report being physically hurt by a date.

Consent is…

• Agreement.
• Communication. All people have clearly expressed their agreement.
• Asking and giving permission.
• Active, not passive.
• Free will. All people are equally free to act.
• Power Balance. There is equal access to power and control in the relationship.
• Choice. All people can change their mind at any point.
• Sobriety. All people are fully aware; they are not asleep, unconscious, or under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
• Assuming “no” until hearing “yes”.

Consent is NOT…

• Disagreement.
• Assuming or guessing permission is granted.
• Submission under the influence of fear, coercion, or intoxicants.
• Going along with someone because of wanting to fit in, to get it over with, or because one feels bad or has been deceived.
• No choice. If someone is unwilling to accept a “No”; a “Yes” becomes meaningless.
• Assuming “yes” until hearing “no”.

Anyone can be raped.

• Rape happens among all age groups, from infants to elder women, among all economic classes, from rich to poor, among all ethic groups/races of people, and in heterosexual and same-sex relationships.
• Rape happens to all genders. Statistics show that 1:4 girls and 1:6 boys are sexually assaulted before they reach the age of eighteen. About one in six women and one in eleven men are raped after turning eighteen.
• Rape is not sex. Rape is an act of violence. Rape is not sex but is used as a way of dominating, humiliating, and terrifying another person.
• Rape is never the fault of the victim. It has nothing to do with what the victim wore, where the victim went, what the victim did, or whether or not they are “attractive.” Only the person committing the assault is to blame. Rape is painful, humiliating and hurtful. No one ever asks to be raped.
• A rapist can be someone you know. Most rapes happen between people of the same race or ethnicity. You are also much more likely to be raped by someone you know than a stranger. Approximately 75% of rapes are committed by someone the survivor knows.
• You have the right to say ‘No’ anytime. You can be raped by someone you’ve had sex with before, even your spouse or partner. Each time you are asked to have sex, you have the right to say ‘no’, even if you’ve said ‘yes’ before. You also have the right to stop having sex at any time.
• Rape is against the law. Not only is rape always wrong, it’s also a crime.

If you have been sexually assaulted and are under the age of 18, please understand:

Mandated Reporter

A mandated reporter is someone who has regular contact with youth and other vulnerable people (for example, elderly and sick people) and are legally required to report to police if abuse is observed or suspected. Teachers, school staff, nurses and doctors are examples of mandated reporters.

SFWAR counselors are NOT mandated reporters. Youth are welcome to utilize SFWAR services for support. SFWAR will NOT contact the police without permission.

Confidentiality

Confidentiality is when information shared by a survivor with a counselor is not shared with anyone else.

SFWAR counselors hold confidentiality except in instances of suicidal behavior or homicidal plans.

Safety Plan

A safety plan is defined by you for your situation. You are the expert on your experience and your path to safety.

SFWAR counselors can discuss your safety plan with you and offer appropriate referrals and support.

Referrals

• Child and Adolescent Support, Advocacy and Resource Center (CASARC)
• Lyric: Center for LGBTQQ Youth
• Oasis for Girls: a place for young women to discover their dreams and build strong futures.
• Larkin Street Youth

What is Consent?

What is Sexual Harassment?

Talking about the tough stuff, a youth guide to understanding sexual violence

• I have the right to be treated with respect and not criticized.
• I have the right to have a partner who values me for me, encourages me, and wants the best for me.
• I have the right to be safe.
• I have the right to maintain my own body, feelings, property, opinions, boundaries, and privacy.
• I have the right to be listened to seriously.
• I have the right to disagree, assert myself respectfully, and say “no” without feeling guilty.
• I have the right to not be abused: physically, emotionally, or sexually.
• I have the right to keep my relationships with friends and family.
• I have the right to have my needs be as important as my partner’s needs and not be my partner’s property or servant.
• I have the right to have a partner who gives as much to me as I give to him/her.
• I have the right to decide how much time I want to spend with my partner.
• I have the right to pay my own way.
• I have the right to not take responsibility for my partner’s behavior, choices, mistakes, and any acts of violence.
• I have the right to set my own priorities, make my own decisions, and grow uniquely as an individual.
• I have the right to fall out of love or leave any relationship.