bhavana Manchanda

Consent is…

• Agreement.
• Communication. All people have clearly expressed their agreement.
• Asking and giving permission.
• Active, not passive.
• Free will. All people are equally free to act.
• Power Balance. There is equal access to power and control in the relationship.
• Choice. All people can change their mind at any point.
• Sobriety. All people are fully aware; they are not asleep, unconscious, or under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol.
• Assuming “no” until hearing “yes”.

Consent is NOT…

• Disagreement.
• Assuming or guessing permission is granted.
• Submission under the influence of fear, coercion, or intoxicants.
• Going along with someone because of wanting to fit in, to get it over with, or because one feels bad or has been deceived.
• No choice. If someone is unwilling to accept a “No”; a “Yes” becomes meaningless.
• Assuming “yes” until hearing “no”.

Flirting and hurting are two different things. There are several ways to tell the difference between the two.

Familiarizing yourself with how the behavior is perceived, how it makes others feel, and the results of the behavior, will help you figure out the difference between the two.

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Flirting behaviors are:

• Wanted
• Respect motivated
• Legal
• Consensual
• Reciprocal

Flirting is perceived as:

• Flattering and complimentary
• Mutual
• Open
• Fun

Flirting makes receiver feel:

•  Attractive
• Flattered
• Good
• Happy
• In control
• Confident

Flirting results in:

• Positive self-image
• High self-esteem

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Hurting behaviors are:

• Unwanted
• Power motivated
• Illegal
• Non-consensual
• One-sided

Hurting is perceived as:

• Demeaning and degrading
• One-sided
• Invading
• Scary and uncomfortable

Hurting makes receiver feel:

• Ugly
• Demeaned
• Bad
• Sad and angry
• Powerless
• Helpless
• Disrespected

Hurting results in:

• Negative self-image
• Low self-esteem

Anyone can be raped.

• Rape happens among all age groups, from infants to elder women, among all economic classes, from rich to poor, among all ethic groups/races of people, and in heterosexual and same-sex relationships.
• Rape happens to all genders. Statistics show that 1:4 girls and 1:6 boys are sexually assaulted before they reach the age of eighteen. About one in six women and one in eleven men are raped after turning eighteen.
• Rape is not sex. Rape is an act of violence. Rape is not sex but is used as a way of dominating, humiliating, and terrifying another person.
• Rape is never the fault of the victim. It has nothing to do with what the victim wore, where the victim went, what the victim did, or whether or not they are “attractive.” Only the person committing the assault is to blame. Rape is painful, humiliating and hurtful. No one ever asks to be raped.
• A rapist can be someone you know. Most rapes happen between people of the same race or ethnicity. You are also much more likely to be raped by someone you know than a stranger. Approximately 75% of rapes are committed by someone the survivor knows.
• You have the right to say ‘No’ anytime. You can be raped by someone you’ve had sex with before, even your spouse or partner. Each time you are asked to have sex, you have the right to say ‘no’, even if you’ve said ‘yes’ before. You also have the right to stop having sex at any time.
• Rape is against the law. Not only is rape always wrong, it’s also a crime.

In supporting a survivor you may experience certain feelings:

Impatience

The survivor’s dependence on you may feel overwhelming.

 Recovery can be a long, slow process that may take years. You may feel frustrated with the time it takes for the survivor to recover.

Guilt

You may feel guilty that you did not prevent the assault/abuse. It is neither your fault, nor the survivor/s fault. The perpetrator committed the crime–not you.

If you were the perpetrator, get support for yourself. Take initiative to accept accountability for your actions. You may not be the best person to provide support the survivor.

Fear

Your closeness to the survivor’s experience may underline the vulnerability to violence that we are all subject to. You may feel vulnerable because you realize that it could happen to you.

If you are the same sex as the perpetrator, you may fear that the survivor will associate you with the perpetrator.

If you are a sexual partner, you may be afraid to have sex with the survivor.

Anger

You may feel extremely angry at the perpetrator for harming someone you love. Feeling anger is normal and understandable. It is important to find ways of expressing and channeling that anger constructively.

It is often easier to blame ourselves for bad things that happen to us than to admit that circumstances were beyond our control. Be careful not to direct anger toward yourself or the survivor. It was not your fault, and it was not the survivor’s fault that the assault occurred.

It is important to realize that your feelings are natural and normal. Supporting a survivor can be challenging, try to accept your feelings and to get support for yourself.